All to Jesus I Surrender

Four months have passed. It is hard for me to believe that exactly four months ago, a few hours after giving birth, we were leaving the hospital, without our baby, headed straight to the funeral home to plan her memorial. The pain of loosing our baby daughter is still so real, and still hurts so bad. Thankfully, we have had a lot of healing over the last four months. While our hearts are still breaking for our loss, we are able to rejoice more and more in Caroline's gain! As we visited her tiny grave today as a family, Rhett and I talked about details of her birth and death, and how at times, it still does not seem real. As we walked away from her grave with our boys, I felt the sadness of not having her in my arms, but thankfully I was reminded of the joy I have in our wonderful boys and what a blessing they are!! I am learning to truly surrender it all to Jesus, because that is the ONLY way I can make it in this world without my precious little girl.

I LOVE this sweet hymn and it has been on my mind a lot lately. I think it is one of God's gentle reminders to let Him take my burdens and worries. Praying you can surrender your "problems" and let Jesus carry you!

**Stop my play list at the bottom if you want to hear the hymn

A Start Over Day

"Start Over". As a child of God, wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, etc., there have been many times I just wanted to "start over". We all have those moments, whether it is an argument with your spouse, loosing patience with your children, failing in your Bible study, disagreement with a family member, not being there for a friend, etc, etc....where we just wish we could start over! I will admit I have experienced all of the above, more than one time.

I am not quite sure when this "start over" began in our family? Somewhere in my disciplining of my precious Wesley, I offered him a chance to "start over". I am sure this came about during a fit that was not being stopped by any form of discipline or reasoning with my ever so stubborn preschooler :).....you all know what I am talking about. I was surprised on this particular day that something so simple calmed my precious child, and he once again became rational....forgetting whatever he was so upset about. I have used this several times with him when the situation seemed appropriate, and it seems to work. This morning, as I was hurrying to get out of the house and run errands, and get everything checked off of my list, Wesley was just beside himself! Nothing was right, everything was "not working", he was refusing to listen and obey, was not sharing...etc, etc. Needless to say, we were having a rough morning! I will admit that after too many time outs to count and one spanking my nerves were frazzled, and I was becoming impatient......not how I like to be with my babies. Wesley was once again sitting in time out, when I asked him to come to the kitchen and have a "talk". In his sweet little boy voice, he looked at me with his big brown eyes, and said "Mommy, I am sorry for being ugly, I am just having a bad day. Can I just start over again?, that will make me be good"! He was truly sorry for being ugly, and really wanted to start over! I just grabbed him in my arms and gave him a big hug, and we talked about being kind to each other, obeying, etc, and we were both very glad to just "start over". The rest of our day has been great, and he has been the complete opposite of this morning!

I know there are a lot of days that I need to do the same thing. I am guilty of being selfish, stubborn, angry, worried...........all of the things my Savior does not want me to be. As I sit here and think about my precious little boy, and trying to parent him, I realize that God is teaching me a big lesson too!! I just love the moments when I know He is speaking to me through my children. I have been worried about things that should not worry me, stubborn and trying to make plans, frustrated that my baby girl is not living this life with us, and many more! I know that my God is in control, and He loves me, and His ways are PERFECT. I know that my sweet Caroline is safe in His arms, the same arms that have held me, and will continue to hold me. I know all of this, but I am human; a sinner; and I think I need to "start over". I am so thankful that my God loves me enough, and cares for me enough to let me "start over". This road I am walking is tough, God never said following Him would be easy, but He has promised to walk it with me. So, today, I am going to join my sweet Wesley in "starting over"....giving God my worries, sadness, frustrations, stubbornness and many more. It is my prayer that if you are in a rough spot, that you can give it to God and let Him be in control. I speak from experience that when we do that........everything works out for the best, and life is so much sweeter!

"Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning,
great is your faithfulness".

Lamentations 3:21-23

Praising God that HIS mercies are new every morning!!!!

Happy Anniversary!

Nine years ago, God blessed me with the most amazing husband in the world:)!! My sweet hubby and I were so excited to begin our lives together, and absolutely could not wait to be married! We started dating when I was 15......so we have been a couple for over 15 years!! I started praying for my husband when I was about 12 years old, and I know without a doubt that God answered that prayer, when I married my sweet Rhett. I can say with all of my heart that he is my absolute best friend in the whole world, and there is no one else I would ever want to be on this journey with! We have had a fabulous marriage since day 1, and it just keeps getting better! Our wedding vows have truly been "tested" over the last 9 years, and I am so proud to say that we have been able to uphold them. Rhett and I have had some wonderful and amazing times, and we have also endured some very sad and trying times. I am so thankful for the wonderful man God has given me for a husband! I love the way he loves me and the awesome Daddy that he is! Our sweet boys adore their Daddy, and I am so thankful I have gotten to see all of the different roles he has taken on over the last nine years. I am so very grateful for our awesome marriage, and I look forward to many many years to come!!

My parents came to visit us this week, so we were able to go on a fun anniversary date last night! Rhett took me out to dinner at a super yummy restaurant last night, Folk's Folly......if you are ever in Memphis....eat there because it is great! He surprised me this morning with a troll bead bracelet, with four beautiful glass beads, and then initial beads for our three children! I love it:)! He also sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers this morning. I truly am blessed with the best husband in the world, and I thank God for him every day! Happy Nine Years to my very best friend, and the best husband ever!!!

"Save a Place For Me"

This song by Matthew West, was released, right before Caroline was born. I can say that it is one that really spoke to me, and continues to, as I walk this road without my baby. It seems as though every time I am driving in the car to go and visit her grave, this song comes on. Yesterday, Caroline would have been three months old, and as I drove to her grave, once again this song was on the radio. I love my life, and am so thankful for the wonderful blessings I have. I am in awe that God has chosen to share my amazing little boys with me, and for the opportunity to be Wesley and Davis' mommy, but I am excited to know that there is a place for me in Heaven! I WILL get to see my beautiful daughter again!! I pray that you have that same hope and assurance, that without a doubt, you know you will spend an eternity in Heaven!


"Save a Place For Me"


Don't be mad if I cry, it just hurts so bad sometimes,
'Cause every day it's sinking in, and I have to say goodbye all over again.
You know, I bet it feels so good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now,
I'm dreaming of the day when I am finally there with you.

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answers for another time
So, instead I pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

A New Club

Today, I realize I am a member of yet another "club". Sunday, May 2nd, is "International Babylost Mother's Day"; a day for all mothers who have lost a baby to celebrate the precious life of her lost child. I would be lying if I said I wish I were not part of this group. But the fact is that just 2 1/2 months ago, I received lifetime membership when my sweet baby Caroline was born and died. I miss her. I long to hold her. I wish I could rub her sweet soft head one more time. I would do anything to sing to her just one more time, or feel her tiny kicks in my belly. I desperately miss my baby.



"The Lord is close to the broken hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

Psalm 34:18



I am so burdened for all of the many women all over the world who are members of this "club". There are millions of women who feel the deep desperate pain I do everyday, who long to hold the baby they never knew, or the one they only knew briefly. This is honestly the hardest thing we have ever walked through. One thing that is a constant struggle for me is that some people have forgotten about my precious baby girl, or don't even know she existed. It is very hard when people ask me how many children I have, to say two, and even harder to say three, but one lives in Heaven. While I am still joyful and I do have peace about Caroline, her brief life, and her amazing eternity in Heaven.....I am still grieving my baby girl. So many family and friends see me on the outside, and think "she is doing great and really seems to be over this".......while on the inside my heart breaks and hurts for my loss....... the loss of my very much wanted and loved daughter. I am made aware everyday of other women just like me, whose hearts are breaking for their precious babies, and my heart aches for them. I know the desperate feeling of giving birth to a baby you know will not live, and leaving the hospital empty handed, the agonizing decisions that come with planning your infant's funeral/burial, the desperate felling of visiting her grave, the sad empty feeling of longing to hold her once more, and the wish that things were different. But, I also know the love of my Heavenly Father, that He cares for all of us in this club, the unexplainable peace He has given me over the last 6 months, and the joy in knowing I will see and hold my amazing little Caroline again one day. It is my prayer today, that all of the mommy's who are "celebrating" their little ones who are no longer here on this earth, will have the same amazing peace from God that I have, and the assurance that they will see and hold their baby's again one day!



So, since this is a day of "celebration", I will tell you how we participated. Right after Caroline's birth and death, we were asked to share our testimony about her in our church spring musical. The title was "Help Is On The Way". Since the beginning of our journey, Rhett and I have wanted our experience to some how benefit others. I will be honest, I thought this was a little "soon", but since that is what we had prayed for, we were very excited to share about our journey. As the weeks passed and the date got closer, I realized that talking without crying was just not going to be possible for me. Thankfully, my amazing husband, was able to stand before our church, hold my hand, and share some of the details about our little girl. We did this tonight, on the International Babylost Mother's Day.....I had no idea until today, that May 2 is dedicated to this. I was overjoyed that on this day, Sunday, May 2, Rhett I stood before our church family and he shared about our daughter. What a way to celebrate my new "Mother's Day". We were able to tell of our journey and how from the beginning God has provided for us, guided us, shown His love and mercy to us and has truly been our "help on the way". I am so thankful to know that my God has had this planned from the beginning; that on an internationally day dedicated to mother's who have lost babies, we were able to share about ours. God has held us close and provided so much for us over the last months, and it is because of our faith in Him, that we are able to continue on this difficult, yet amazing journey!



"And my God will meet all your needs, according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus".

Philippians 4:19



"Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight".

Proverbs 3:5-6

What We've Been Doing!

So, I am behind in updating what we have been doing lately! This blog is intended to tell our sweet little girl's story, but also for me to document what we are doing, since I do not have time to scrapbook. I realize that I have not even put any Easter pictures up, or documented what we did for Easter, so I will just have to back-track!

Wesley, Davis and I have been PLAYING so much! We have been having amazing weather, and we have taken full advantage of it. We have been to several parks with different friends for play-dates, taken a few zoo trips, and played outside almost every day, for many hours! One "new" fun thing we have done this spring is visit the Botanic Gardens. They have an awesome part of the gardens dedicated to children. There are many super fun things to play with, and we have really enjoyed going there with our friends!

We started our Easter weekend with a trip to a local farm. We rode pony's, and the trackless train, visited with the Easter bunny, fed the animals in the petting zoo, and took a hay ride for an Easter Egg hunt. The following pictures are from our fun day at the "farm"! I have more Easter pictures....still on my camera ( I know that is bad), so I will do a separate post later.

We are still doing good, and every day continues to get easier. I have been so blessed lately by a few sweet people and their comments about our blog. I just never imagined how our little Caroline would impact so many, and help make life changes. I am so very thankful God is still reminding me that He is in control, and He is revealing His mighty plan more and more every day. Thanks again to all of you for your sweet notes, and emails, and thank you for reading our blog!!

Caroline's Cross

I am so happy to post this! A few weeks ago, a sweet girl, whom at the time I had never met, sent me a message on facebook. She and I have a few mutual friends, and through them, she heard about our journey with our sweet Caroline, and read our blog. Her name is Emily, and she is a fantastic artist! She can paint anything! After hearing about our story, she felt led to create a piece of art in memory of Caroline. It is a beautiful cross with vibrant colors, that represent our family, Caroline, our love for each other and God, and most of all God's love for us. We absolutely love it! Rhett and I are so thankful for amazing people like her, that have touched us by sweet acts of kindness during the difficult road that we have been travelling. She was so very sweet to let us have the first cross she made, and it now hangs in our home. It is a constant reminder of how God has used/is using our precious little girl, and her brief, but very important life.

Another amazing thing about this is how it can benefit Eagle's Nest; the orphanage that cared for Wesley in Guatemala. Emily will paint crosses for anyone that wants to purchase one, and a portion of the proceeds will be donated to Eagle's Nest! Once again, God is just revealing His mighty love for us, our family, and His perfect plan for our lives. We will always miss our baby girl , and long for her to be here with us, but we are overjoyed at the wonderful ways she has affected so many people! How awesome it is that our Caroline's life, will help the sweet children living in Guatemala! God is so good......ALL OF THE TIME!

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The website to order a cross is:

http://www.emilyhorndesigns.blogspot.com/

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Thanks so much to all of you who are still reading our blog and praying for our family. Rhett said it perfectly: There has been an awful storm in our family, lots of dark, rainy, stormy weather. The storm is over, the rain has stopped, and the sun is shining through more and more every day. There are still cloudy times, but we are seeing so much more sun now!! We are praising God for the bright sun He is giving us, and for the many ways He continues to bless us!