Four Weeks.....Roughly 28 days.....of grieving my sweet baby girl, while at the same time rejoicing in her gain of an eternity of happiness! I never imagined that I would be writing an update documenting four weeks since my baby was born and died.....I would rather be writing that she is beginning to coo, and is more alert, loves to be held, is staying awake more, and just what a fabulous baby she is. But, that is not the plan that God had for her and our family. As desperately as I WANTED his plan to be different, I am constantly reminded of how perfect His plan has been/is for us, and for that I am rejoicing!!!
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and His weakness is stronger than man's strength".
1 Corinthians 1:25
It is very true that every day does get better, but every day is still hard. There is not a day that I do not think about her, and desperately miss her. There have been some "awkward" moments for me. In the grocery or Wal-Mart, workers that have seen me for the last 8 months (I think my pregnancy's with Davis and Caroline sort of run together for some people......seems like I was pregnant for a really long time!!), have asked me where the baby is, or how old, etc., and that is tough! I could be on the verge of tears, and to then have to explain that we did have Caroline, but there were complications, and she is now in Heaven is REALLY hard. I never want to ignore the facts about my sweet little girl, but I also do not want to upset some sweet person, that is just being kind, and asking about my baby. It is just a very fine line. When I am faced with a situation like that, I usually end up comforting the other person, and then they feel even worse! This aspect of the grief process has been tough, but I am constantly reminded that my God is right there, and He is carrying me through the unexpected tough times.
"Look to the Lord your God for strength, seek His face always".
1 Chronicles 16:11
Our sweet Wesley is handling everything so well. He has a great "three year old" understanding of Heaven. He talks a lot about his baby sister. He tells me often that he sees her, and that she is "happy now". He has said many times that Caroline is so happy in Heaven with Jesus. He believes that Jesus has lots of toys, God has lots of chips and coke, and now Caroline is not "missing a piece", and she loves Heaven. He also believes that she has pancakes every morning for breakfast (his dream), and that she plays trains and swings all day with the angels! What an amazing image of happiness and joy for him. He knows that our sweet baby girl could not be healed on this earth, but that our Jesus is holding her perfectly healed body, and that she is rejoicing, playing, running, singing, and experiencing immeasurable happiness now. I do not know if she eats pancakes every day??, I hope she does, but the point is that our precious little boy has a fabulous understanding of the joy and happiness that Heaven is. I believe that God is using Wesley and his precious ideas of Heaven, to help me through the "tough" moments. It is no secret that sometimes my emotions can get the best of me, and I just can't stop my tears....usually when I am overly tired, or just feeling sorry for myself! It is in these moments that I hear..."Mommy, I see Caroline, she is dancing and singing", or "Caroline is eating pancakes with Jesus, and she is so happy now". How could my heart not be uplifted and a sadness turned into joy by these simple reminders of how happy and whole my precious baby is now, that she is in Heaven? I know that she is so very happy now, and is enjoying everything good, and for that I am joyful. The human part of me still wishes that things would have been different for her, but because of God's love for her and me, I can rejoice in her beautiful gain!
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal". 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
The last four weeks have been hard, and joyful. It seems as though just yesterday I was pregnant with Caroline, while at the same time, it seems like a longer time has passed. I know that everything will continue to get better for us, as the grieving process continues. I am so thankful that there are many more good days than bad, and for the gentle reminders that God is still in control, He is still on His throne, and He loves us more than we could ever imagine! I know that God has an amazing plan for us, that will continue to unfold over the weeks and months to come. I am very grateful that I have my faith and relationship with God, and that He is the one carrying my family and me, and giving us peace and hope!
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power with all of the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know his love surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God". Ephesians 3:16-19
"Even to your old age, and gray hairs,
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you,
I will sustain you and I will rescue you!" Isaiah 46:4