Sunday, May 2, 2010

A New Club

Today, I realize I am a member of yet another "club". Sunday, May 2nd, is "International Babylost Mother's Day"; a day for all mothers who have lost a baby to celebrate the precious life of her lost child. I would be lying if I said I wish I were not part of this group. But the fact is that just 2 1/2 months ago, I received lifetime membership when my sweet baby Caroline was born and died. I miss her. I long to hold her. I wish I could rub her sweet soft head one more time. I would do anything to sing to her just one more time, or feel her tiny kicks in my belly. I desperately miss my baby.

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

Psalm 34:18

I am so burdened for all of the many women all over the world who are members of this "club". There are millions of women who feel the deep desperate pain I do everyday, who long to hold the baby they never knew, or the one they only knew briefly. This is honestly the hardest thing we have ever walked through. One thing that is a constant struggle for me is that some people have forgotten about my precious baby girl, or don't even know she existed. It is very hard when people ask me how many children I have, to say two, and even harder to say three, but one lives in Heaven. While I am still joyful and I do have peace about Caroline, her brief life, and her amazing eternity in Heaven.....I am still grieving my baby girl. So many family and friends see me on the outside, and think "she is doing great and really seems to be over this".......while on the inside my heart breaks and hurts for my loss....... the loss of my very much wanted and loved daughter. I am made aware everyday of other women just like me, whose hearts are breaking for their precious babies, and my heart aches for them. I know the desperate feeling of giving birth to a baby you know will not live, and leaving the hospital empty handed, the agonizing decisions that come with planning your infant's funeral/burial, the desperate felling of visiting her grave, the sad empty feeling of longing to hold her once more, and the wish that things were different. But, I also know the love of my Heavenly Father, that He cares for all of us in this club, the unexplainable peace He has given me over the last 6 months, and the joy in knowing I will see and hold my amazing little Caroline again one day. It is my prayer today, that all of the mommy's who are "celebrating" their little ones who are no longer here on this earth, will have the same amazing peace from God that I have, and the assurance that they will see and hold their baby's again one day!

So, since this is a day of "celebration", I will tell you how we participated. Right after Caroline's birth and death, we were asked to share our testimony about her in our church spring musical. The title was "Help Is On The Way". Since the beginning of our journey, Rhett and I have wanted our experience to some how benefit others. I will be honest, I thought this was a little "soon", but since that is what we had prayed for, we were very excited to share about our journey. As the weeks passed and the date got closer, I realized that talking without crying was just not going to be possible for me. Thankfully, my amazing husband, was able to stand before our church, hold my hand, and share some of the details about our little girl. We did this tonight, on the International Babylost Mother's Day.....I had no idea until today, that May 2 is dedicated to this. I was overjoyed that on this day, Sunday, May 2, Rhett I stood before our church family and he shared about our daughter. What a way to celebrate my new "Mother's Day". We were able to tell of our journey and how from the beginning God has provided for us, guided us, shown His love and mercy to us and has truly been our "help on the way". I am so thankful to know that my God has had this planned from the beginning; that on an internationally day dedicated to mother's who have lost babies, we were able to share about ours. God has held us close and provided so much for us over the last months, and it is because of our faith in Him, that we are able to continue on this difficult, yet amazing journey!

"And my God will meet all your needs, according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus".

Philippians 4:19

"Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight".

Proverbs 3:5-6


  1. Sweet Amanda, I am so sorry. I can't imagine what it's truly like to walk the road you and Rhett are walking, and I am sure it is still SO rough. Your family's testimony tonight was absolutely beautiful.
    I just wanted to let you know that while I'm trying to give you space and not make you talk about anything you don't want to talk about, my heart still breaks for you as you miss your sweet baby girl. I know that I for one have definitely not forgotten her. The Lord has used her precious life to touch my heart and I know that He is still glorifying Himself through her story.
    Please don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

  2. I will never forget Caroline!
    Amanda, my heart breaks for you. I cannot even imagine the heartbreak, the grief, the sadness you are experiencing. I am so sorry. Of course it is still hard, I completely understand the intense longing of wanting to hold her, to kiss her, to sing to her one more time. How incredibly difficult! All I know to say to you is to keep your faith. Keep on trusting in God and in His plan for you. I will do my part to continue to pray for you and Rhett. I will listen to you talk about Caroline anytime you want.
    I love you and Rhett both. Here is a hug! :)

  3. Honey I could never forget your sweet Caroline, and I can not imagine the pain you are going thru..I love being with your boys and every time I look at precious Davis I think how beautiful Caroline would have been. I see you and part of me wants to ask how you do it, but at the same time I don't want to upset you. I know God has given you peace and I am sure that is how you do it. I love you and hurt for you. I hate that I never got the chance to snuggle with your precious Caroline like I have Davis. If you ever need to talk or just cry I don't mind being a shoulder for you. I may not have been there but with my own children I can only imagine loosing one being the worst think I could ever go thru. You and Caroline have been more of a blessing to others than you will ever realize!!!!! I love you

  4. How wonderful that you got share about Caroline on that day!! What a special time for you and your husband.